A Storm Blew In…

Last night, a few hours ago, various types of storms blew in from all directions. It is 3.30 am, and I am typing a post! I am doing this because it is fresh in my mind or is it because my mind is still fairly fresh? The obvious part of this story is the real cold front that reached us last night, and came in with a huff and a puff, strong winds, temperature dropped by 10 degrees C, but not much else so far. In Cape Town, there is localized flooding, some areas are getting snow, I expected more, but maybe this part is still coming.   Another storm came in the form of mommy. We were both excited, well, I was from early Friday, also anxious, because of the issues with all the airplanes in the world, you get nervous, and just want her to be back home. In any case, I think our 13 month son picked up on the excitement and also seemed to be excited yesterday. Mom arrived and I kept him awake for it, as she walked in, he came around the corner and froze. Mom, in tears and overjoyed, grabbed him, hugged and kisses followed. He was just stunned at the rush of estrogen in the house. After about 10 minutes, his little brain computed what had just happened and he suddenly started running and then came and stood in front of us, smiling and grabbing mom by the legs, ran away again, came back, same procedure. There is something else that happened, the family is back together, I am not a single parent anymore, I am a husband and a dad. To that end, a few thoughts. For a week, and this is very nearly every week, I make decisions around our son, suddenly another decision-maker is in the house. This normally is not an issue, as mom falls in with what is happening and we are fairly aligned with things involving our son. She does do things a little different, which is not bad, in fact, I think it is great for both the boys. Although there is a deep bond between the boys, there is the wonderful bond of "a mother and child", I saw that last night again and I just realized how important the loving touches are for him and me. I would not be surprised to know that a man developed the "King size bed". Not sure how many men get allocated 1/3rd of the bed in the bedroom, I know my dad always joked about that, but after sleeping alone, suddenly we are in the same bed again, takes some getting used to. She slept like a log on her 2/3rd, I slept 1 and half hours on my bit. I am not complaining, just saying. The best part is not having to be there all the time for at least 48 hours, giving me a little break, mentally, but this is also something to get used to for both of us, because mom need to realize that a toddler is busy, especially those little hands. I guess my point in this post would be that a traveling, working parent brings other factors into the equation. It is not just the bonding and giving parents and child a chance to bond again that is important, it is the constant changes in the household, between the parents and not to mention the growing and ever-changing toddler, what is good today, may not be tomorrow. We are lucky to have a 17 year start on our marriage, but still, it is a constant process of talking, understanding, compromising, making little adjustments within a fluid environment of being parents and spouses.

A Full Moon...

It is now 4.30 am. I have been awake from 3 am. Times like this I miss my wife.

I do not know where this comes from, he did not cry or anything, just suddenly found myself watching a monitor with a "wide awake" 13 month old. I fumbled and stumbled my way down to his bedroom, took him out and dragged myself back to bed in the hopes that he would fall asleep again.

No chance, talking and smiling. I even got a kiss, which felt like kiss of death (of sleep), so daddy got up, changed diaper, gave him something to drink, made coffee for myself and off we go on another day. I choose to look at this positively, long-term. Early morning nap, early afternoon nap and hopefully fairly early night.

It is full moon after all!

Rotating between husband and single parent

Let's state facts first, my wife has a very demanding job, taking her away from home on a regular basis, but also meaning long hours when she is at home. I have actively supported, with pride, her career development, moving several times in the process for the last 10 years. Our closest family is 4 hours drive away and we have very few friends, long-term or close by, due to regularly having to move. We have a 12 month old son.

This is not a sob story, or a moan session.

I have always had the attitude, in making decisions, of taking all into account, usually we do this by doing a list of pro's and negatives, and once taken, I do not second guess myself, at least not if I did follow the process. Both being University graduates, a day would inevitably come that one of us would get a shot at progressing to a higher level in our careers, and this was destined for my wife. We were married 7 years, and taking the opportunity meant moving a 1000 km away from where we grew up as children, our family and friends.

I guess this was the toughest decision to take, but we took it, no regrets. It meant I had to do freelance, or projects that gave me flexibility, so at a stage I went into being an estate agent, when the market was very bad as well. We moved again and again, ending were we are now at the rumbling ocean, for the time being. The latest move, also coincided with her being at head office and having to travel extensively out of the country to other African countries and Asia.

Then came the news that after 16 years, we were going to be parents. And 18 months on, Boeta is already 12 months old. I am now a full-time daddy at home. I am lucky to have been prepared for being at home alone for a while, so I had no doubts that I would be able to handle the new addition, and I am.

From 4 months, when I took over as full-time dad, I set a routine, which evolved, but basically means that he gets up at 5 am with us, sleeps at 8 again, 1 pm and then anything from 7 pm, through the night. This was to create a platform for my wife to spend time with her son. Never mind the particulars of the routine, I find it helps even if she is not home, because it provides consistency, within which I can operate doing my other things like washing, cooking, building the kitchen (slow crawl to be exact) and other activities I need to do.   To my mind it creates two constants, me and a routine.

I use the TV (yes) as an additional helper, play prerecorded  kids education stories between breakfast and nap time (usually the period when mom leaves) and between dinner and bath time, the rest of the day kiddies songs or soft music are a constant, which I find calms him and although he seems to ignore it, he plays with and inspects his toys without much fuss, until the music stops, he immediately starts looking for me. This is not to say, I leave him alone, not at all, I am always either playing or doing things with him or in eye contact away from him. For us, me and him, it works.

The old saying if you have marital problems, do not think children will fix it or have children is so true. Children do add pressure on a relationship in ways like sleep deprivation, defining parent care responsibilities, inevitable compromises and various other things. As husband and wife we deal with all this, including having a long distance relationship put in the mix as well. Respect, trust, communication, support and honesty are just some of the blocks we use to make it work, and we do.

It is not easy, and when like yesterday, mom leaves on a Saturday morning, daddy becomes grumpy, and here I have so much empathy for single parents (full-time), it is not easy! As a person we need to think of ourselves as well in order to be of value to others, if you break yourself, bend backward, as they say, you will inevitably also fall on your ass, and the whole house will come down on you. At times I do not, especially when it comes to eating correctly, leaving me with low energy levels towards the end of the week, when mom luckily steps in (usually) and dad gets a break of sorts. I say of sorts, because I find that having to be a single parent at times, I am usually so switched on when it comes to our son and his doings, it is tough to let go completely, even if it is mom.

This does create another difficulty and here it is me that needs to learn to switch off a little more. I am getting better at it, slowly. One also has to accept that mom is tired, working hard and also still needs support and understanding. Maybe she can write an essay one day on her feelings about being a mom at work.

My point is that in relationships with kids involved and one parent becoming a prime caregiver, you need to have strong fundamentals and be brave enough to accept and enjoy the others successes, and make them yours as well, applicable to both sides. For a single parent it takes real bravery and courage, to my mind, to open up to a new person in order to set those blocks in place for a stable relationship to grow in, always having to weigh the risk against the effects it may have on the children. Real courage.

I am just putting my thoughts on the table, something I have been thinking about over the last couple of days. Agree, not agree, that is up to you.