Rotating between husband and single parent

Let's state facts first, my wife has a very demanding job, taking her away from home on a regular basis, but also meaning long hours when she is at home. I have actively supported, with pride, her career development, moving several times in the process for the last 10 years. Our closest family is 4 hours drive away and we have very few friends, long-term or close by, due to regularly having to move. We have a 12 month old son.

This is not a sob story, or a moan session.

I have always had the attitude, in making decisions, of taking all into account, usually we do this by doing a list of pro's and negatives, and once taken, I do not second guess myself, at least not if I did follow the process. Both being University graduates, a day would inevitably come that one of us would get a shot at progressing to a higher level in our careers, and this was destined for my wife. We were married 7 years, and taking the opportunity meant moving a 1000 km away from where we grew up as children, our family and friends.

I guess this was the toughest decision to take, but we took it, no regrets. It meant I had to do freelance, or projects that gave me flexibility, so at a stage I went into being an estate agent, when the market was very bad as well. We moved again and again, ending were we are now at the rumbling ocean, for the time being. The latest move, also coincided with her being at head office and having to travel extensively out of the country to other African countries and Asia.

Then came the news that after 16 years, we were going to be parents. And 18 months on, Boeta is already 12 months old. I am now a full-time daddy at home. I am lucky to have been prepared for being at home alone for a while, so I had no doubts that I would be able to handle the new addition, and I am.

From 4 months, when I took over as full-time dad, I set a routine, which evolved, but basically means that he gets up at 5 am with us, sleeps at 8 again, 1 pm and then anything from 7 pm, through the night. This was to create a platform for my wife to spend time with her son. Never mind the particulars of the routine, I find it helps even if she is not home, because it provides consistency, within which I can operate doing my other things like washing, cooking, building the kitchen (slow crawl to be exact) and other activities I need to do.   To my mind it creates two constants, me and a routine.

I use the TV (yes) as an additional helper, play prerecorded  kids education stories between breakfast and nap time (usually the period when mom leaves) and between dinner and bath time, the rest of the day kiddies songs or soft music are a constant, which I find calms him and although he seems to ignore it, he plays with and inspects his toys without much fuss, until the music stops, he immediately starts looking for me. This is not to say, I leave him alone, not at all, I am always either playing or doing things with him or in eye contact away from him. For us, me and him, it works.

The old saying if you have marital problems, do not think children will fix it or have children is so true. Children do add pressure on a relationship in ways like sleep deprivation, defining parent care responsibilities, inevitable compromises and various other things. As husband and wife we deal with all this, including having a long distance relationship put in the mix as well. Respect, trust, communication, support and honesty are just some of the blocks we use to make it work, and we do.

It is not easy, and when like yesterday, mom leaves on a Saturday morning, daddy becomes grumpy, and here I have so much empathy for single parents (full-time), it is not easy! As a person we need to think of ourselves as well in order to be of value to others, if you break yourself, bend backward, as they say, you will inevitably also fall on your ass, and the whole house will come down on you. At times I do not, especially when it comes to eating correctly, leaving me with low energy levels towards the end of the week, when mom luckily steps in (usually) and dad gets a break of sorts. I say of sorts, because I find that having to be a single parent at times, I am usually so switched on when it comes to our son and his doings, it is tough to let go completely, even if it is mom.

This does create another difficulty and here it is me that needs to learn to switch off a little more. I am getting better at it, slowly. One also has to accept that mom is tired, working hard and also still needs support and understanding. Maybe she can write an essay one day on her feelings about being a mom at work.

My point is that in relationships with kids involved and one parent becoming a prime caregiver, you need to have strong fundamentals and be brave enough to accept and enjoy the others successes, and make them yours as well, applicable to both sides. For a single parent it takes real bravery and courage, to my mind, to open up to a new person in order to set those blocks in place for a stable relationship to grow in, always having to weigh the risk against the effects it may have on the children. Real courage.

I am just putting my thoughts on the table, something I have been thinking about over the last couple of days. Agree, not agree, that is up to you.