Cause and Effect

Writing this in order to get my mind totally clear. The last 48 hours had me against the ropes.

It all started on Saturday morning with mom leaving for the week. I was tired but fine, and when we got to the airport, she had to meet someone, and I went for our normal spot at a cafe, waiting for her, ordering our normal cappuccino and this time I decided on a breakfast as a treat for myself.

Boeta was with me, sitting peacefully in his stroller, I gave him a cookie and dived into my breakfast. I got a little annoyed with mom taking forever to return, but eventually she did with colleague in tow, obviously wanting to show Boeta to her. We saw each other at the same time, and she made a funny movement with her hand, I looked down, the little rascal stuffed his mouth and had a choke reaction, all over clothes, stroller and floor.  The timing was perfect. It has never happened before with those cookies.

I was shocked, embarrassed, frustrated all over again, angry, and felt like a failure in front of her colleague. She took him away and after cleaning as much as we can she changed him, but by then I wanted to leave. I wanted to make a few stops on the way back, but the effect was that I had to just drive home. At home, he was sleeping in the car-seat, softly lifting him out and walking round the car the alarm went off - he shook in my arms, wide-eyed looking around. I inwardly cursed that car.

I changed him and we now had to go through to as close to lunch as possible, if they sleep 15 minutes, it is near impossible to get them back to sleep again, once awake. So I put all the dirty stuff in washer, left the stroller for later, and focused on getting through the morning and afternoon. Effect of the alarm, baby first proper sleep was around 12 pm. Long-term effect, we could bath earlier, and he was asleep earlier.

Being in a teething period again he is continuously irritated and bites at anything. I realized I just tried to keep pace, I was tired. Saturday night he was uneasy, I got up 4 times, twice picking him up, and we both slept late-ish. This meant he would not sleep in the morning and I had to man up and take it. By 10 am he slept again and I followed gratefully, sleeping an hour myself. By one that afternoon all was going again, and after giving him lunch and his favorite bottle, I looked to myself for some sustenance.

While I was eating, he played in his pen next to me (half the living room). The tiled floor has a covering of rubber mats, those with the letters and numbers, for the cold and softer landing when he falls. He, unseen by me, got a letter and chewed on it, breaking off pieces in the process and the next moment, choke reaction again, rubber matting, clothes messed up again. I could not believe it.

This took the stuffing out of me, just finished cleaning the stroller, it happens again, needed to start all over, clean floor, son and mats. By 3 that afternoon I felt my face hanging, I needed to rest, I knew I had a whole week in front of me, so I tried to get him to sleep, no luck. So I broke down the 3 hours left into what I had to do, and decided bath first. This took me to 4. I needed to get an hour somewhere, so given the weather, which by the way suddenly turned from cold to spring, early summer type weather, the stuff that just cause the flu, I took him for a walk.

I gave him a bottle to chew/drink as we walked and because I was tired, I took it slow and tried to breathe myself. It actually helped a little, we got back, and by 5, I gave him dinner, but sitting down and feeding him, I just felt miserable and knew I had to get him to sleep, so by 5:50 he was asleep. This was way too early!

I took an early night, but again he was up and down and as a result of going to bed too early, he was starting to move, slowly waking from 3 am. I lay in bed listening but not moving, by 4 he was up and talking, meaning I needed to get up as well. I dragged myself to the kitchen got the bottle and then realized I am missing his favorite bottle - yes, he threw it out the stroller on our walk and I did not notice. I wanted to cry!

This is when I made the mental shift and decided this is going to be a long week, I need to get a grip. I know the unchangeable factors and the ones I had control over. I knew he would sleep earlier, round 6-7, so this meant an afternoon rest, and much better, a more routine day. I knew the cause of many things is my tiredness, and his attention seeking behavior due to my lack of usual interaction. He is 12 months old, he communicates with actions. He misses his mom, as do I, he wants more attention or at least communication which lacks when you are tired.

Gladly, by 6.06 am he was asleep in my arms in my bed, I moved him to his crib in his room and slept. Awoke by 8 am, still tired physically, but less mentally, and since then we have had a much more productive morning with another nap beckoning and another chance for me to recover a little.

I just needed to accept the facts and manage the controllable activities, to get out of the hole, I dug myself. In this story there are many examples of causes and effects. Sometimes it builds and builds, it just gets more out of hand. The lesson to myself, I need to recognize it, I need to take control of it, go through it, break it down and not let it take control of myself. Life is much better right now.