The Core of Us – Part 3 (Pain)

The Core of Us, relates to our deep love for a place called "Struis Bay", in South Africa. For those who have not read the previous parts about this story, here are links to them: 1. The Core of Us (Life) 2. The Core of Us (Love) We continue our story, from where we left it, returning from honeymoon. As mentioned in our previous part 2, our mother was diagnosed with cancer in 1996. We decided to get married earlier than originally planned, April 1997, and this choice proved to be a great one, in looking back. By June/July of 1997, she really worsened to a point where we knew that there would be no treatment anymore. At this point mom and dad was married for 43 years. This is also another wonderful example to a young married couple, and our other parents have now been married for 55 years, two sets of parents that taught us the values we live by every day. Husband's parents: Still laughing and holding hands after 55 years. Dad took over primary care, and he did everything for her, carried her to and from everything. It could not have been an easy thing to handle, but he never complained, never. My husband suggested that I took two weeks to go and visit. I spend a lot of time with my mom, talking about everything, including death, future, past and everything in between. Dad also enjoyed the support and we spend some invaluable time together as just the three of us. On 19 October, at 5 am we got a gut wrenching phone call from my husband's dad, mom had passed away at 11.30 pm, 18 October 1997 in her bed, in our house. We left immediately for the 2 hour drive to Struis Bay, to support my dad and stayed for the week. We lost a mother, role model, a loving soul mate, mentor, rock in my life. She will always be missed and always be remembered in fondness and love, which she deserved. Possibly last picture of Mom, and doing her favorite thing, reading in favorite spot. Fast forward a few years, dad got married again, but it was not a great match for the family nor did it turn out for him, as he eventually returned to his house, and struggling with an unstable marriage. By this time, we took the difficult decision to move a 1000 km north, to the Free State Province, leaving behind our families and everything we knew and grew up with as children. In February 2006, dad came to visit us, alone, and to our shock he lost a lot of weight by then, he was 76 years old by this time. We set out to make the most of the month and we did. Lions feeding, dad watching. He gained some weight and saw new things, like lions feeding in nature, which really got him excited. It was such a wonderful, peaceful time. A great honor to have had dad spend time with us. Something very special also happened on that first day he arrived. We had a framed picture of each parent's wedding day in the hallway. He came into the house, walked straight to the picture of him and mom and took his finger to lovingly touch her chin, sort of greeting. So special and sad, he still missed her, maybe even more than before. We took him to an Art Museum where we enjoyed lunch in the tea garden in between the exhibitions outside. I will always remember how he started laughing when walking past the sheep. I saw a picture of these sheep again in a magazine recently and got quite emotional. Dad visiting art gallery and museum, loved the sheep figures. After the month, he took the train back to Cape Town, were my husband's parents collected him and drove him back to Struis Bay. All the way back he was sad, but also shared with them his time with us. We did not know this, but it was our last time with him. Our last photo session with dad, lots of laughs. He loved his old bicycle, riding it to the shop, and around. On a Thursday in August 2006, he fell, went to the doctor, and then suddenly was rushed to hospital. We got the news, but was told not to worry, everything was under control. This was said again, and again over the weekend, by his then wife. By Sunday evening we got the message that we should drive down, still not getting real information. We left Monday and arrived in Struis Bay just after Midnight that evening, Tuesday morning, if you want. We just finished unloading, when we got the message, dad had just passed away, he had an aneurism. Walking into the house, we also found all the valuables had been removed, and found out that this had been done earlier that day by his wife, and may have been the reason behind not giving proper information about his condition. So we were faced by the loss, and not being in time, of our dad and the unscrupulous behavior of people with no regard for anything but themselves, even emptying his bank account, we later found. This was the most painful experience of our lives and to this day we still feel it in our gut, when we talk about it. We did get most of it back, eventually, but only by playing mind games and holding carrots up to deflect attention. So here we were again in Struis Bay, another funeral to organize and another most respected rock in our lives lost. Dad was a gentle giant, with an infectious laugh, big hands, big heart, drawing people to him, kids loved him. He never spoke badly of anyone. Mom and Dad are together again, buried in the same grave. We visit them, each and every time we return to our beloved Struis Bay, before we go home. Every time we walk into the house, we see them there, we hear them, we laugh with them, we tell stories about them, we will always remember them and our son will know his grandmother and grandfather. He will know what they represent to us as parents, the example they left to us and that at least some part of him is as a result of them. The next part will be called bliss. A related post about quilting, will be about my project, taking mom's old pieces of clothes and making a quilt of remembrance.